What To Drink On Armadebtagain

People get so wrapped up in finding the right wines to drink on holidays and special events; Thanksgiving, Christmas, even the Super Bowl.  But those pairings feel so contrived, so detached from what we're feeling at the time, that perhaps we're going about it all the wrong way.  Rather than trying to shoehorn wine into a preordained menu, maybe we ought to think in terms of matching our selections to the emotion of the moment.

Think about it.  Everyone knows what to drink with Beef Willington - or that you can pretty much drink anything with roast turkeyThat's easy.  But what wine goes well with your mother-in-law's incessant nagging at the holiday dinner table?  Which vintages draw out the complacent side of you as your nephews tear your house apart?  And a musclebound Shiraz is sort of cliché for the gladiators of the gridiron, isn't it?  Shouldn't you instead be drinking something that soothes your aching back as you sink deeper into the couch?

To that end, I offer some suggestions on wine to drink as our country nears yet another proud-making milestone:
  • 2011 AA Red Blend - Identical wine as was bottle under last year's AAA label, only more expensive.  WTF?  Same wine, only more expensive?  You're supposed to raise your prices after a good rating.  Well, at least it's consistent.
  • 2011 International Disgrace Torrontes - Someone once said that it's only embarrassing if someone else is paying attention.  Oh, wait.  This Argentinian import comes with a nifty parlor trick: an invisible audio chip that runs a laugh track when you twist the screwcap.  Faint Latin accents can be heard in the snickering.
  • 2012 Wen Jibao Premier Reserve - Not even sure what the hell's under the faux cork of this 375mL bottle yet, but you can be sure we'll be drinking whatever the Premier tells us to next year.  You can also be sure that it'll be counterfeit.  And rationed.
  • 2011 Chateau Maalox Extra Strength - In a class by itself among the proton pump inhibitor varieties, this elixir is thick, rich, and instantly soothing.  Versatile in that it can be enjoyed morning, noon, or in the waking moments following a nightmare.  Destined to be a best seller.
  • NV Constituent Revenge Port - Previously bottled under the cult name Representative Malfeasance, this bitter, awful concoction reeks of incompetence and bickering.  Still, somehow people continue to drink this shit as if there are no other options.
Whatever you're drinking on this national celebration of democracy, make sure you have plenty of it on hand.